WritingSucks

Snake Toucher

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving, and that you all gained as much weight as I did. I had a nice time visiting family in Tulsa, getting lost in Tulsa, and overcoming one of my biggest fears in Tulsa. I don't know if I've ever mentioned that I am terrified of snakes. I have been since I was three and was hypnotized by a snake at the San Diego Zoo. I guess my parents thought it was funny; they let the glass be my only salvation from becoming swiss cheese a la cobra fang.

I have snake dreams about once a week, the kind where I actually wake up and think I've seen a snake slithering across the wall. I then must spend the next 15 minutes convincing myself that there are no snakes, all the while the voice in my head screaming "What? Didn't you see that? There are totally snakes in the bedroom!" No, I did not see Snakes On A Plane.

James and I went to the Tulsa Zoo this weekend. The Tulsa Zoo has snakes in every exhibit. The Arctic exhibit has very cold snakes. By the time we were nearing the exit I had already made my way past at least 25 snakes. Then I noticed a crowd, surrounding a zoo keeper, who looked like he was wearing an extra thick Cleopatra style bracelet.

It was a ball python. Moms, dads, and 2-year-old kids were petting it, holding it, loving it. James joined the crowd while I stood 15 feet away like a first time kindergartner that has wet her pants. Then I remembered a story I'd heard on NPR last week. The woman was dying of cancer, and was doing and trying things she had never done before--the one she was most excited about was touching a snake. I decided I needed to do it.

I spent the next ten minutes getting closer to the python and then running away. I almost touched it and then ran away. I was freaked, but knew I had to do it. Finally, I poked that stupid snake really hard and turned and ran out of the zoo. Now that that's over I can basically do anything...

I Still Like Your Beer Guinness

I wrote a few weeks ago about applying to break a record with the one and only Guinness Book of World Records. They rejected me! How dare they! I'm still going to go ahead with the idea so I will let you know about it when it is up and running. Here is my rejection letter:

Dear Miss Wood,

Thank you for sending us the details of your recent record proposal for ????????????. We are afraid to say that we are unable to accept this as a Guinness World Record.

We receive over 60,000 enquiries a year from which only a small proportion are approved by our experienced researchers to establish new categories. These are not 'made up' to suit an individual proposal, but rather 'evolve' as a result of international competition in a field, which naturally accommodates superlatives of the sort that we are interested in. We think you will appreciate that we are bound to favour those that reflect the greatest interest.

We realize that this will be disappointing to you. However, we have considered your proposal fully; in the context of the specific subject area and that of records as a whole, and our decision is final in this matter.

Once again thank you for your interest in Guinness World Records.

Yours sincerely,

Records Management Team

One Week Left

How has this happened? I only have a week left as a twenty-something. Next Wednesday I will be the big, old 30. It appears I am as old as an Apple Computer.

The picture to the left is somebody else's 30th birthday party. They appear to have an adult moonwalk. I hope I wake up to find one in my driveway next Wednesday. That would make it all okay.

Actually, it will all be alright. I gave up trying to be responsible and pay off bills--instead as a  30-year-old-to-be I bought a trip to Mexico. James and I leave next Sunday. We are going here. It is all-inclusive, and there will be no dieting or watching the pina colada intake.

It appears that certain things will not be happening before I am 30. Most likely I will not be getting married, having children, buying a house, getting a book deal, or becoming independently wealthy in the next week . That is why God made Mexico.

Lenten Karma Attacks

My car was broken into last night. It happened because I haven't been working on my writing goal for Lent. Thieves and robbers know when you are being bad--they know when it is payback time.

Before I went inside last night I cleaned out my car. It was full of things like suitcases, Ipods, and laptops that I took on my weekend road trip. I guess I should look at this situation as being LUCKY instead of unlucky--the poor babies didn't find anything to steal. More importantly, I had just returned the recording equipment I borrowed from the radio station. If that had been stolen, I would have had to run away.

I will try to learn my lesson and actually get some writing done today. Last night I was still in lazy mode, so I spent the evening reading a wonderful book, instead of writing. I highly recommend Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. I have a new slogan thanks to the book--"Bel far niente." It is Italian for "the beauty of doing nothing." Time to get a t-shirt printed.

Lent for Lazy

I have been extremely lazy the last few days. I went to Springfield, Mo. for the weekend. I planned to get some writing done, but it didn't happen. My lent resolution is going down the tubes. Cool--here is a Lent Countdown Calendar. Today is day 21, meaning I have 25 days left to get my act together. Okay, that does not equal 40, as in 40-days/40-nights. Here is the explanation: Lent does not technically include any Sundays between Ash Wednesday and Easter Saturday. That's why this period, traditionally lasting forty days, actually takes up forty-six on your calendar.

Good to know. I am filling my brain with lots of little facts instead of using it to write. In case you are actually writing, here are two freelance markets:

The Funny Times
CURRENT NEEDS: "Anything funny." Pays $60 flat fee for
stories of 400-700 words.

Ghost! Magazine
CURRENT NEEDS: "Phantom Fiction - 1200-1500 word ghost
oriented story. No horror. Paranormal in nature, featuring or
including a ghost; The Clubroom - 800 words featuring a ghost
hunting organization and the reason for their success; Tales
from the Trenches - 1000 words featuring a particularly
interesting investigation by a research or paranormal group;
Spaces, Places and Faces - 500-800 words featuring some
ghostly venue such as bed and breakfasts, ghost tours, and
interesting ghostly stories which don't fit into any other
department; Chasers: Celebrity paranormal researchers /
mediums / psychics - 1200-1500 words." Pays $25-$50 per
article.

Fat Tuesday

Yes, it is Tuesday and I feel Fat. Today is the last day before Lent, and it really should be spent eating rich foods, drinking copious amounts of beer and liquor, and smoking big stogies--Not sitting in a cubicle. Since I am trapped in my work cube, I have decided to come up with a good challenge for myself during Lent. A Writing Challenge. Instead of giving up something that I do to excess, I am going to make myself start doing something excessively--SENDING OUT QUERY LETTERS.  The goal is 30 query letters sent out during Lent--and I will try and list them here as I send.

HAPPY FAT TUESDAY!

Can I Handle Two Of Her?

Sheeba is on the front page of  CrazyClones.com. I was only brave enough to clone her once, but I may try and get fancy and make 1,000,000 Sheebas. Learning how to do clone photos is surprisingly simple, even for Photoshop preschoolers like me. Also, CrazyClones.com is offering a $50 prize for the best clone.

Goals For The Weekend

I have two books on writing that have been on my bookshelf for literally ten years. I am determined to read them this weekend, even if they are so out of date that they talk about typewriters and how to whittle your own pencil.

I am positive that I will blossom into a glorious writer after reading these two books. I am also going to write at least 3,000 words on the "novel." Yeah, it is going to stay in quotes until it is published.

In other news....you may have just handed over the Hamilton's for those Valentine's Day flowers, but don't forget about mother's day flowers.

Screaming Banshee Goes On A Date

Happy Valentine's Day! Here is a great E-card I am passing on to anyone who needs one...

http://www.hallmark.com/ECardWeb/ECV.jsp?a=1908871720985M000000N

Goodbye Black Boot?

I'm hoping one aspect of my life will get back to normal today. I have another doctor's appointment to x-ray the leg. Hopefully, it will be adios to the big, heavy, black walking boot I have been lugging around for a month. Having the big boot has definitely put a few things in perspective for me:

1. Loritab makes me puke.
2. Any day that you wake up healthy is a good day.
3. Trying to find a seat in a darkened movie theatre while wearing a boot is not a good idea.
4. People will quickly forget that your leg is broken and will demand walking and lifting.
5. It is nice to get sympathy flowers.