$420 a night plus a meat!

An email:

Dear Friend, my naming is Ndugood. I am wealthy Nigerian prince who love the jazz of music. I seeking am your help to move $200,000,000 from my of accounts hear in Nigeria to the North of America.

I too love the jazz of music and I planing to flea to your home county to open many jazz clubbings at which I wood like you of performs. You receive $420 a night, plus a meat. My new "Tribal Village Vangoord" clubs will be of greatest success and you become much richings. I have all city exemptings allow for spearings of live food.

But I desperate be needing of  your help. My tribe, the Swindlisi, piece of jazz-loving peoples, has been horribly impressed by the ruling military junka, which despirses the jazz of music. My father, are exiled king, was recently impreseasoned. And so must I flee my beloveing county with all of my improbable wealthings.

But I need helpings of moving it. All money of I have will not fit in of allotted jet bags. I am there for want to transfer my wealthings to you through ATM of your system. (Nigerian ATM can not exchanging of international currencing). So to please of you to me your of full name and of addressing, social security numbering, bank account and PIN numbers of yours. And you will becoming of very rich from when playing many of jazz gigs at "Tribal Village Vangoord" clubs.

Response:

Dear Ndugood, I am so excited to learn that Nigerian internet scams are really just about bringing jazz to the world. If the Swindlisi are a jazz-loving people does that mean that there are other tribes who may be death metal-loving people? I cannot wait until the opening of your club! I will rent a limo and bring all my friends, and everyone will be so impressed when I perform the jazz. 

After my performance I will expect my meat.  I am glad the city has agreed to let you spear live food. What type of meat were you hoping to impale? Rat? Dog? A nice juicy toddler? You are in quite a pickle with your overflow of money and your small jet bags. How devastating to not be able to fit all of your money into your luggage.  How about I come to you? Please forward your contact information and I will make sure I bring a suitcase that can handle all your stupid money. Let Jazz Live!

Comments

[tazwell minnit]

My friends, this is a bastardization of noble Prince Ndugood's original message, which read as follows:
Dear Friends, my name is Ndugood. I am a wealthy Nigerian prince who loves the jazz of music. I am seeking your help to move $200,000,000 from my checking account here in Nigeria to the United States.
I too love the jazz of music and am planning to flee to America to open many jazz clubs at which I would like you to perform. You will receive $42,000 a night, plus a meal. My new "Tribal Village Vanguard" clubs will be of great success and you will become rich like the rest of American jazz musicians. I have already applied for building code exemptions to allow thatched stages and the spearing of live animals.
But I desperately need your help. My tribe, the Swindlisi, a peaceful jazz-loving people, has been horribly oppressed by the ruling military junta, which despises the jazz of music. My father, an exiled king and booking agent, was recently imprisoned under the draconian "three gigs you're out" law. And now I must flee my beloved country with all of my improbable wealth. But I need help in moving it. I have so much money that it will not fit in the allotted two checked bags and one carry-on. I am therefor want to transer the money through your ATM system. (The Nigerian ATM system cannot exchange international currencies; it only converts "antelope to money").
So please to just provide me with your full name and address, social security number, bank account and PIN numbers. And you will become incredibly (literally) rich from playing many jazz gigs. (Note: normal Nigerian Musician's Union rules apply: three hour performances, two 15 minute breaks allowed, musicians to provide their own mosquito nets, one open fire per bandstand, one free meal plus anything you kill).
Act now. The first ten musicians to respond will receive a free copy of the Nigeria's Greatest Jazz Hits CD, by our beloved 'Disoriented' Gillespie Band, which contains the hits:
The Night Has A Thousand Flies
Goodbye Shrunken Head
Here's That Rainy Season
Just Tribesmen (Lovers No More)
Take the 'A' Trail
When I Fall In Quicksand
Half-Nelson Mandella
Blue Monkey
Leopard Skins and Moonbeams
Blue Mombossa
Almost Like Being In Lagos
Sunny Side of the Goatpath
I Didn't Know What Century It Was

Thank you for your many help. Your inordinately wealthy Nigerian brother, Prince Ndugood.