Public Radio Slave

Secret Santa Needs Suggestions

An email:

Dear jazz guy,

Recently, while listening to satellite radio in another country I heard a long set composed of Spanish style acoustic guitar, it was very Latin, but was also very jazzy. Since the satellite stations don't speak I couldn't figure out who it was. Any ideas? FYI: It was not Muzak. Any help is appreciated, as my coworkers will soon want Secret Santa suggestions.

My response:

Since I know the jazz guy will not respond to your email, I will. Without hearing it or knowing anything about your long jazzy set I can tell you that it was indeed Muzak. If you give me a call I will put you on hold and you might hear it. Last I checked it was the middle of a very hot summer--Santa wants me to tell you that he is on unemployment until the end of December and if you start drumming up work for him with the notion that you actually have friends at your office he will come kill you.

I Had A Pony!

A new volunteer comes in to the radio station to answer phones during the pledge drive. When asked, "Helen, what do you do?", Helen has a nervous breakdown. It appears that Helen only wanted one thing in life, a pony.

No, Helen is not a tween, Helen is middle aged. Some people want to get married and have children, some people want to be an astronaut, Helen wanted to own a pony. The stars aligned for Helen, and her wish was granted. Helen bought a pony, and the pony grew up to be a horse. And then the grown up pony died.

And Helen's reason for living died with the pony. She thought she was worthless, a sad excuse for a human being, and she couldn't stop crying about the dead pony. And we all sat and listened to this story, and some people sympathized and teared up too, thinking about their pets that had died through the years.

But all I could think about was the Seinfeld episode where Jerry comments during a dinner party, "Who are these people who have ponies?" And the old Polish grandmother says, "I had a pony!" And I wanted to tell Helen that I too had had a pony! But alas, there was no pony. And I started to feel like a worthless, pony-less, loser.

But then I got over it, and I started to chuckle, and I stuffed a donut in my mouth to cover my giggles. Because if I had a pony it would be a miniature pony and I would put it to work giving rides to little kids. And my pony would make me rich until it was time to turn it into glue.

Here's My Advice

From a fellow Public Radio Slave...

What's the best way to start a Monday morning? We all must begin our week by checking the voicemail; seeing what came in over the weekend. I started my day with one message, simple and to the point:

"If you take my advice, you'll eat a big bowl of sh****t."

That's it. No suggestions about why I would be demeaned enough to do this task. Was it Diane Rehm's voice? Was it because you heard our underwriting credit about the symphony?

So I wrote down the phone number. I remember when I used to spend my Friday and Saturday nights prank calling people with friends. It was great fun, but I was 11. . This guy was at least 45. And we were prank calling old ladies, not radio station answering machines.

More later....

$420 a night plus a meat!

An email:

Dear Friend, my naming is Ndugood. I am wealthy Nigerian prince who love the jazz of music. I seeking am your help to move $200,000,000 from my of accounts hear in Nigeria to the North of America.

I too love the jazz of music and I planing to flea to your home county to open many jazz clubbings at which I wood like you of performs. You receive $420 a night, plus a meat. My new "Tribal Village Vangoord" clubs will be of greatest success and you become much richings. I have all city exemptings allow for spearings of live food.

But I desperate be needing of  your help. My tribe, the Swindlisi, piece of jazz-loving peoples, has been horribly impressed by the ruling military junka, which despirses the jazz of music. My father, are exiled king, was recently impreseasoned. And so must I flee my beloveing county with all of my improbable wealthings.

But I need helpings of moving it. All money of I have will not fit in of allotted jet bags. I am there for want to transfer my wealthings to you through ATM of your system. (Nigerian ATM can not exchanging of international currencing). So to please of you to me your of full name and of addressing, social security numbering, bank account and PIN numbers of yours. And you will becoming of very rich from when playing many of jazz gigs at "Tribal Village Vangoord" clubs.

Response:

Dear Ndugood, I am so excited to learn that Nigerian internet scams are really just about bringing jazz to the world. If the Swindlisi are a jazz-loving people does that mean that there are other tribes who may be death metal-loving people? I cannot wait until the opening of your club! I will rent a limo and bring all my friends, and everyone will be so impressed when I perform the jazz. 

After my performance I will expect my meat.  I am glad the city has agreed to let you spear live food. What type of meat were you hoping to impale? Rat? Dog? A nice juicy toddler? You are in quite a pickle with your overflow of money and your small jet bags. How devastating to not be able to fit all of your money into your luggage.  How about I come to you? Please forward your contact information and I will make sure I bring a suitcase that can handle all your stupid money. Let Jazz Live!

Get Rich Or Die Tryin

An email from a listener:

For a little while now, between local informational and station identification pieces, I've heard segments of interlude music that I find somewhat offensive.  The music in question is a remixed instrumental version of 50 Cent's rap "Get Rich or Die Tryin," better known as "P-I-M-P."

Some of the lines that bother me specifically include: I don’t know what u heard about me,
But a bitch can’t get a dollar out of me, No Cadillac, no perms u can’t see, That I'm a motherfucking P-I-M-P, A hour later had her ass up in the Ramada, I’m your friend, your father, your confidant, BITCH, Man this ho, you could have her when I’m done I ain't gonna keep her.

Thanks for looking into this.

My response: I'm glad you're listening, you mofo PIMP. I thought it was pretty rad that NPR would use a 50 Cent song as a music bed. I am confused about the lyrics, since you admitted that what you heard was instrumental, do you really think the old lady hoes listening know those lyrics? I think not. I think you know the lyrics because you listen to 50 Cent in the shower. How about this, would you like to meet at the Ramada for an hour? I'm up for it. I am also up for bringing the perm back. Let's hang out at the Ramada downtown and give each other perms and help you get past these pesky lyrics you didn't hear.

The Slave Yo.

If You Get Married You May Get Eaten By A Bear

An email:

Hi, You heard this morning that a man was undone by a bear. You recently saw it on the news. A man who worked with a bear was killed by the bear. You will also recall that two years ago a man who lived with wild bears was eaten by bears.  Not long after that a man who loved sharks and other dangerous denizens of the deep came to a sudden and much publicized end when one of them turned on him. You and I know that there are wild and uncontrollable creatures on this planet that may be toyed with for a while, but that at any time they are likely to turn on you. And yet, every day you and I have one more friend who plans to get married. You are invited to stop by for supper anytime. Steve

Response: Thank you for the dinner invitation Steve. Unfortunately, I will not be able to attend. I work with bears and other denizens of the deep and because of your email I now suffer from agoraphobia and can't leave my house. I do not wish for my coworkers to eat me or undo me. I do wish to marry you though.  I can make all the arrangements and we can do it on your lunch break if that is convenient. Hope to speak with you soon...

Word Minutia

Files this under "People With Too Many Minutes In Their Day". As in someone who knows that they have exactly 610 minutes left in their day to annoy others. A caller:

"I was just listening to an interview on NPR and when they were done the interviewer thanked the guest for being there and the guest said "I'm happy to have been here." Now since they were still there shouldn't they have said "I am happy to be here" and why would you air something that wasn't exactly correct?"

Me: (Silence while I try to wrap my dum dum brain around this question)....(more silence while I think about telling the caller that my breakfast eggs just told my stomach "I'm happy to have been here")....I don't know, I think you could probably say both. 

Caller: Well aren't you the college people over there? Shouldn't you know?

Me: The college people are actually all over here right now, we are having a keg party in one of the production rooms. None of us know how to spell though, or construct sentences. Thanks for calling, you've still got 608 minutes left today.   

Have You Did What I Told YOU Mr. MATT?

Everyone is used to the Nigerian money transfer email scams, but this latest one gave me a good chuckle ha ha.

Hello,

Have you did what i told you to do ?.
You should stop wasting time, just do it right away.
Ask him to send you the total sum of $1.6 million u s dollars in a bank draft, which I kept for your compensation.  reach him with this email ...(enininnam2@yahoo.fr) his name is  mr  ENINI. like i said before God has done it, i have finnal got that fund. Give him all the informations he may need, like your full names, country were you want him to send the money to,your direct phone numbers and any other informations he might need o.k

Yours Faithfully
Mr MATT.

What Can I Get For Ten Dollars? Anything you want...

A voicemail:

"Yeah, hee hee ho ho (strange Santa laugh) I heard something about eight months to ten months ago about  a Supreme Court Justice coming to Wienerville (not its real name, but a town over two hours away) sometime this year.  Hee hee ho ho.  I figured I would call up to see what kind of hotel discounts you might have for me. Also if you know places I can eat for free. I guess you are not there now. Hee hee. I'll call back real soon."

My response:

Hey Mr. Claus if you will let me ride in your trunk I will make you grilled cheeses on the radiator for the duration of our Supreme Court Justice palooza. I also have a 2-for1 coupon for Motel 6, but then I guess we wouldn't get to share a room? I guess you are not there right now. I'll call you back real soon.

A Special Thought For the Work Week...

"That last singer you had on your radio station sounded like a swollen heffer in a hail storm."


We try. We really do.